Saturday afternoon wrestling

In this new weekly feature, the editors and writers at HefferBrew pick a specific wrestling video that exemplifies the best that professional wrestling has and had to offer.

Today we take a look at one of the bigger upsets in Monday Night Raw history, as well as WWE history. Cameron sits down with this classic footage and provides you with a play-by-play of the action. Here in are first installment, we present to you…

Razor Ramon vs. The Kid

00:2 – Right off the bat you have a very robust woman with a sign that say “we be RAW”. Nobody wants to know how raw you are right now fat-lady, just go get some baby powder then. 

00:9 – 00:20 – Look at Razor, tell me you wouldn’t want to roll up in the club with underwear on, a vest, gold chain, greasy-ass-hair, elbow and knee pads, balla boots, a toothpick, and for good measure everything is purple and yellow. You would be swimming in the ladies that night.

00:21-00:24 – This fat woman trying to get a kiss from the Razor, what, are you crazy, didn’t you just see him avoid contact with every fan on the way to the ring. Later fat lady.

00:38-00:42 – And you have your name written on the back of that sweet ass vest. The women in said club won’t even have to ask your name they just get in your car and go home with you.

00:41 – Oh shit! ‘Macho Man’ Randy Savage is doing commentary on this match; and it seems he knows what I’m talking about with the way Razor looks. “Ohhhhh Yeahhhh! It’s party time now,” ‘Macho Man’ said, always the most observant.

00:50-1:00 – Razor is handing his gold to someone at the side of the ring. I can only imagine what he’s saying to that guy for ten seconds, “Hey yo, you take care of my gold, see, or after, if any my gold is missing, I’m gonna get all juiced up on ‘roids and cocaine, and then whip you with my greasy-ass-hair.”

1:15-1:21 – Razor throws ‘The Kid’ across the ring like a rag-doll and all you have to say Macho is, “Razor Ramon is very, very, very, strong.” That’s all you can say, all I’m thinking is, “holy shit, this kid is screwed, he just threw his ass across the ring no problem.”

Side note: I realize wrestling is fixed, and also semi-fake, but holy shit, he throws that poor dude across the ring like he’s an 80-pound coke whore.

1:29-1:35 –  Razor Ramon is treating this kid like he owes him money or something. As I said, I know it’s fake, but that bitch-slap across the chest was ridiculous. Even ‘Macho’ realizes how awful it sounded by rattling of the name of the show like three times. “Monday Night Raw. Raw. Raw. Raw.” R.I.P ‘Macho’, you were taken to soon.

1:45-1:50 – Again, Razor just tosses his ass across the ring. It’s like watching an impatient father teach his son about not requesting Spaghetti-Os 1000-times.

2:02-2:11 – Razor puts ‘Kid’ in an abdominal stretch, he then grabs his leg and appears to be trying to rip the leg and this guys’ dick off in one swift tug.

2:31-2:38 – Macho knowledge on getting thrown over someones head after getting an attempted cross-body reversed into a suplex.  “I tell you what, ‘The Kid’ made a great move right there; unfortunately the other half didn’t go his way.”

2:50-3:00 – Razor missed the elbow in the corner and is dazed by hitting his chest on a padded turnbuckle. ‘The Kid’ climbs the ropes and lands a moonsault-69-attack (I’m making the name up entirely), it does appear to be a botched finale. But seriously, Razor has been dominating  this entire fight and that’s how it ends, he lands on him in the 69-position and knocks him out with his dick?

3:03-3:13 – This ‘Kid’ is freaking the hell out after he just knocked Razor out for the three-count with his dick. I would be too if my dick had knockout capabilities.

3:36-3:43 – As the crowd chants, “you suck,” ‘Macho Man’ says it best, “You got beat brother, you got beat 1-2-3 brother.” ‘The Kid’ really didn’t have a chance, but somehow, he mustered up the courage and knocked Razor Ramon out with his dick.

Cameron Heffernan is an editor at HefferBrew. He has an un-dying affinity to wrestling and he hasn’t been able to shake since he was a kid. Thanks for checking out the site, follow us on Twitter at @HefferBrew, or like us on Facebook

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