After watching an episode of ‘Diners, Drive-Ins & Dives,” Dustin devises a plan to remove some of the so-called “celebrities” from the media spotlight.
These days, we’re consumed with pop culture as the media constantly barrages us with so-called “celebrities” and their latest exploits as well as reality show personalities who we’re told are celebrities in their own right.
Well, I for one think it’s about time to thin out the pages of these magazines and websites. How you ask? By holding a 16-celebrity Battle Royale to determine the best of the worst that the celebrity world has to offer.
First, let’s introduce the participants in the inaugural “Reality and Wannabe Battle Royale:”
1. Paula Deen
2. Guy Fieri
6. Scott Disick
7. Kris Jenner
9. Miley Cyrus
10. Jennifer Aniston
11. Sarah Silverman
12. Whitney Cummings
13. Rachael Ray
14. Ina Garten
15. Julianne Hough
16. Tara Reid
Yes, I did include just about every Kardashian with the exception of Bruce Jenner because he’s comedy gold, and yes, for some reason there is a lot of female celebrities in this first edition, but I didn’t pick them, the media did.
offerings contestants will find themselves dropped onto a remote island in a fight to the death with resources limited to just what they have in the environment. The last “celebrity” standing wins not only exemption from future battle royales, but also a step-up from the current grade they are at, should a Kardashian win, they go from C-list to B-list and if Tara Reid pulls an upset, she’ll go from F to D-list and etc. So now, without further delay, here is the first ever “Wannabe Battle Royale.”
The combatants are dropped from apache helicopters from about twenty feet to the island. Ina “The Barefoot Contessa” Garten’s chances of winning take a huge hit when she breaks her neck in the fall, the rest of the group have to make a decision quickly and decide to mercy kill her by suffocation as Guy Fieri and Paula Deen smother her. A team consisting of Seacrest, Disick, Cyrus and Ray set off to canvas the island and see what they can find to make shelter as well as food for the now starving Fieri and Deen. The team returns with handfuls of berries and kindling to ignite a fire they can huddle by for warmth through the night. An alliance begins to form between Rachael Ray and Khloe Kardashian as the family all split into separate groups, tired of each other’s’ constant bitching. The night ends as Sarah Silverman and Whitney Cummings try to explain to the others that they aren’t the same person.
Day One Fatalities- Ina Garten
Cyrus and Aniston begin to form an alliance as they bask in being the only A-list celebrities on the island, much to the chagrin of the rest of the group. As the tensions mount, the groups splinter off and spread out throughout the island in an attempt to stay alive.
The New Groups:
- Jennifer Aniston, Miley Cyrus and Ryan Seacrest
- Khloe Kardashian, Rachael Ray, Julianne Hough and Tara Reid
- Paula Deen, Guy Fieri, Sarah Silverman and Kim Kardashian
- Kourtney Kardashian, Scott Disick and Whitney Cummings
- Kris Jenner
Devastated that nobody wanted to be partnered with her, Kris Jenner wandered off into the island jungles on her own. After walking for hours, Jenner ended up actually making a complete circle and ending up back where they were dropped off the day before. Fed up and frustrated, she decides to make a dramatic exit, using her high heeled shoes, she stabs herself in the throat until she punctures her jugular, she uses her last bit of energy to write “Love Me” in her blood on the sand.
The rest of the groups begin to settle into their new grounds, while Group C come across a cave and decide to dwell for the time being. Each group decides that the next morning they will make primitive weapons and begin hunting for the others.
Day Two Fatalities- Kris Jenner
The groups begin forming weapons using tree branches and rocks, for Group A, Cyrus uses her beaver-like teeth to peel bark off a branch and use it as a rope to tie a rock to a stick and form primitive spears for them, Group B decide that Khloe and Rachael both possess enough brute strength to defend the group from attacks. It’s also discovered that Tara Reid has actually been deceased since before they were dropped on the island. In a scene reminiscent to “Alien vs. Predator,” Khloe and Rachael use Reid’s bony ribcage to give Hough makeshift knives for protection. Group C’s weaponry is even more primitive as it consists of Fieri and Deen carrying large boulders with the plan to drop them on the others, while Group D’s plan is for Disick to call Kourtney Kardashian a broken-down old cow and stand back as she becomes a tornado of rage and destroys whatever lands her in path. Ready for battle, the groups emerge from their hiding spots and begin hunting. Group D accidentally walks past Group B and Julianne Hough proves her worth to the rest of her group by quietly sneaking up on Whitney Cummings and dragging her into the night and to her doom. Frightened by Cummings’ disappearance, Disick and Kardashian break into a sprint and run as fast as possible from Group D and back into the jungle.
Day Three Fatalities- (technically) Tara Reid, Whitney Cummings
Tensions finally start boiling over in Group C as Silverman doesn’t stop making jokes about Kim Kardashian, the irate Kardashian then defects and begins searching for a new team to join. She stumbles upon Group D and is able to convince them to let her join them. Disick immediately regrets the decision as the two Kardashian sisters begin judging him and calling him a loser to his face, the annoyed Disick bails on the group. He unsuspectingly crosses paths with Group C member Guy Fieri, who’s in a food deprivation stupor. Fieri crushes Disick’s skull with his boulder and begins to cook him over a makeshift flame, until he realizes that he has no access to a deep-fryer or another cook to do his job for him, so he goes hungry as the body goes to waste. Dejected, but hungrier than ever, Fieri is on the prowl for food. Meanwhile, Group B comes across a former rest site of Group A’s, they recognize it as A’s as they find Ryan Seacrest’s body dead on the ground, from gouging his own eyes and jamming sticks in his ears, presumably from the talks of Cyrus and Aniston. They then encounter the two starlets as they attempted to sneak up on them, this sends Khloe and Rachael Ray into a rage as they both use their broad shoulders and super strength to strangle Cyrus and break Aniston like Batman over Bane’s knee. Group A becomes the first subgroup to be completely eliminated.
Day Four Fatalities- Scott Disick, Ryan Seacrest, Miley Cyrus and Jennifer Aniston
Fatigue and hunger set in, which leads to betrayal in a few of the remaining groups. Unable to control his raging appetite, Fieri attacks Paula Deen as she sleeps and puts her over a makeshift flame like he did the day before with Disick. However, unlike with Disick, all of the butter Deen had consumed throughout her life act as a marinade, which proves appetizing to Fieri as he begins to dig into his Food Network co-worker. The buttery glaze of Deen does more than satisfy Fieri though; the scent manages to catch the attention of Khloe Kardashian, who begins to hunt down the source of the smell. After finding Fieri, Khloe and the rest of Group B try to sneak up on him. As Hough is about to pounce on Fieri, he surprises the group by grabbing her and body slamming her, using his mass to crush her. Khloe and Rachael Ray are shocked to discover that Fieri actually has a second pair of light-sensitive eyes in the back of his head, hence, his trademark wearing sunglasses backwards. Ray and Khloe attempt to take down Fieri together but they are overpowered when they get close to the still-cooking Deen, which causes Guy to snap at the thought of losing his meal. He pummels Ray into oblivion and sets his sights on Khloe. The two engage in a battle that can only be described as Godzilla vs. MechaGodzilla, which ends with Khloe ripping Fieri’s heart out with her bare hands.
With only four celebrities left; Khloe, Kourtney, Kim and Sarah, the Kardashian sisters begin to argue once more about who is better suited to win. Khloe and Kourtney, tired of being looked at as the weak links, drown Kim in the ocean as a horrified Silverman looks on. In a shocking turn of events, Kourtney hops on Khloe’s back and begins to choke her with her shirt; Khloe attempts to throw her off but is unsuccessful as she slowly collapses. Silverman and Kourtney then lock eyes, and in a Rocky-esque motion, charge each other for the final battle. After a seven hour catfight, Silverman emerges victorious after choking Kardashian with a handful of sand in a move many would call ‘bush-league.’ Silverman shows no remorse for her tactics and celebrates her sudden ascension to the A-list by releasing a sex tape with George Clooney while many speculate that the integrity of the Battle Royale has been tainted by cheating, much like many of the popular sports in the world today.
Day Five Fatalities- Paula Deen, Julianne Hough, Guy Fieri, Kim, Khloe and Kourtney Kardashian
Your Winner- Sarah Silverman
This concludes the first annual “Wannabe Battle Royale.”
Tune in next time when 16 more fight to climb the ranks and trim the fat.
Dustin Brewer is a writer/co-editor-in-chief of HefferBrew.wordpress.com/HefferBrew.tumblr.com. He hopes this is taken as the joke it’s meant to be.