Friday the 13th: Jason’s 13 Best Kills- by Dustin Brewer

In timely fashion, Dustin discusses the 13 best kills of ‘Friday the 13th’ workhorse Jason Voorhees.

There are two things that horror movie icon Jason Voorhees is a master of, power walking, and killing teenagers. Since Jason missed out on making the Olympic Sprint Team once again this year, let’s take a look at his other area of expertise. Here are the 13 (Whoa, just in time for Friday, July 13th, imagine that!) best kills in Jason’s illustrious career.

Preface- For all you nerds, fanboys and people who have seen “Scream,” this will NOT include the first film ‘Friday the 13th’ because, spoiler alert- it’s Jason’s mom the whole time. But, here’s Kevin Bacon’s death, which is what you all wanted anyways. You all set? Ok cool, let’s move on.

13. The Hitchhiker’s Last Banana

From the 4th film in the series, the aptly dubbed “Final Chapter” we have this gem batting lead-off. This poor, slightly overweight hitchhiker is looking for a ride to Canada and the eventual main victims characters just blow on by, shouting at her about how they’re not going to stop. Boldly, she decides to let her sign do the talking and without saying a word sits down to enjoy a banana. In true “Friday the 13th” fashion, she’s hardly begun to peel the thing before she’s accosted by a Jason who seems to have a problem with the way she’s doing things and therefore she must be stabbed in the throat. It’s vicious, and as bits of drool and banana fall out of her dying mouth, also slightly disturbing.

12. Tool Shed Blues

The aptly named 2009 reboot “Friday the 13th” brought a new edge to Jason as he suddenly possessed otherworldly tracking and trap laying abilities from the Boy Scout Club of Hell which really aided his quest in slaughtering teenagers. In this memorable death scene, Jason accosts simple minded stoner Chewie in a very poorly lit tool shed. Finding himself void of his trademarked machete, Jason has to go resourceful, killing Chewie with a screwdriver to the throat. Thankfully, Jason’s lack of compassion is on full display as he coldly and slowly digs the tool deeper, as if he had a rattle that just drove Jason insane.

11. Now in Eye-Popping 3D

Did you really think Hollywood’s obsession with 3D was a recent thing? Psh, Jason brought three-dimensional murder to the big screen in 1982’s Part 3(D). In this textbook display of practical effects that stand the test of time, Jason decides he doesn’t like the way Rick’s just always looking around all smug. The most noteworthy thing here; do you see any power tools or equipment that helps Jason crush this man’s skull? No, you don’t, your move “Saw” franchise.

10. Doing the Splits (Skip to: 36 for what can only be described as movie magic)

Jason don’t like show offs. Not one bit. Somewhere there’s a Hollywood executive trying to sell “Jason Goes to the Olympics.” I don’t know what else there is to say about this, it’s just so brutal. Everything about it, especially the quick flash of his folded body stuffed in a rafters, I mean, the physics behind it are astonishing. Jason drives his machete through this man doing a handstand, so presumably, right through this guys’ poor junk. If there’s a worse way to go, I’m sure Jason would be all ears.

9. The Beat of My Heart

This isn’t really a Jason kill but it does set in motion the entire film “Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday” (spoiler alert-it wasn’t the final anything except nail in the coffin of every actors’ career.) The film begins with the bold act of a SWAT team luring Jason into an open field and unloading on him with high caliber weaponry until he literally explodes, cause you know, SWAT doesn’t have too much to do on Fridays. This then leads to the scene featured above here with this handsome doctor fellow deciding that the beating heart of a serial killer is just too appetizing to pass up, like haggis. Needless to say, those glowing orbs flying around him are not good news. What do you think the chances are that that guy carrying the clipboard made it out of the office that day? Exactly.

8. A Lesson in Freezing

If you saw “Jason X” aka “Jason Goes to Not Only the Future But Also, Wait for It…..SPACE!” then chances are good you missed this kill because you were: A) Asleep B) Bathroom C) Making Out or D) Getting a Refund, however, it’s actually pretty cool. Jason ends up on a spaceship and is somehow unleashed from the space brig; he’s rightfully pissed and goes on a trademark rampage. This poor girl has the poor misfortune of being an assistant to Jason in a helpful chemistry lesson. Jason knows the substance in that sink will freeze her face like a T-1000, but he’s not sure the audience knows, so why not educate them while he’s got their attention? And  the cruel smashing of her frozen face into the table; just mere theatrics, she’d stand up and take a bow, maybe even smile if she still had a face…

7. Cork-Screwin’ Around

A few prominent celebrities have gotten their start getting butchered by the hockey mask wearing madman, and this time it’s Back to the Future dad Crispin Glover stepping to the plate. In another kill taken from the fourth film “the Final Chapter,” Crispin here is on the hunt for a corkscrew so he and his conquest can partake in some beverages post coitus. As it turns out, Jason was having a rager outside and needed it himself, but he’s more than happy to give it back to him and then some. The important thing to know here is that Jason is a consummate professional, ask for the corkscrew and you shall receive it and even a little bit more. In the world of horror movie villains, Jason’s honor is at about samurai level.

6. Wheelchair Blues

In what could be the cruelest of his kills, Jason turns his sights on this poor wheelchair bound man who’s just looking to hook up with a young lady in “Friday the 13th Part 2.” As we all know, Jason doesn’t like it when teens engage in activities saved for marriage and this guy is about to learn it. Note that he doesn’t even have intercourse with this girl, instead Jason hits him in the face with his machete and either from pure force or an intense inner monologue, he pushes the kid down the stairs in the rain and as this young man flails around, you’re struck with the fact that Jason just really doesn’t care who he kills.

5. Death by Feld-Dog

We’re gonna flip the script on this one and focus on a death scene involving Jason, but not how you’d expect. Once again, from “The Final Chapter” we have the climactic scene between Jason and young Tommy Jarvis, as played by COREY FELDMAN! As Jason is accosting this teen, the young Feld-Dog comes to the rescue having shaved his head to resemble Jason’s as a child. Surprisingly, this works and Jason completely buys into it despite Feld-Dog’s face being completely fine when, as we can see here, Jason’s clearly had some work done. This allows her to stab him with his own machete (BURN!) and leave him for dead, except, this is Friday the 13th we’re talking about, so naturally, Jason starts to stir even though his head is impaled on a giant knife. At this point, the Feld-Dog is just not having it, so he goes berserk, hacking Jason’s head to bits with the kind of fury and craziness that Jason himself would actually probably admire if he wasn’t the one it was being done to.

4. Jason’s Bed and Breakfast

It even comes with a turndown service. “Freddy vs. Jason” was the 2003 collaboration between Jason and other iconic killer Freddy Krueger in a battle to see who can kill aimless teens the best. This kill embodies everything about Jason in just a :30 clip; not only do you get the brutality of Jason stabbing this young man through the bed , but you also get Jason adding insult to injury by folding the bed up and breaking this dead young man’s back. I don’t know what this guy did to Jason, but he clearly upset him on a profound level because Jason only saves the insult to injury kill for a select few. Classic example of Jason upping the ante and putting the ball squarely in Mr. Krueger’s court.

3. Freddy vs. Jason

You can’t really talk about the movie “Freddy vs. Jason” without of course, discussing the war between the two killers. There’s not really a way to declare a winner with that ambiguous ending, but since it’s Jason walking out holding the severed head, that is a monumental notch on the bedpost of murder for Jason. Killing another icon, an icon with about as many sequels as you, that’s like if Benson and Stabler from ‘Law and Order: SVU’ walked over to the ‘CSI’ groupies and punch them in the face.

2. Sleeping Soundly

Think you can just sleep comfortably in the words while Jason’s around? Think again. In Part 7 “the New Blood” one young camper just so happens to be foolish enough to try sleeping in Jason’s woods. Jason shows her what’s what though, dragging her out of her tent, still in sleeping bag, then lifting the whole thing and smashing her body into a tree like a mom beating the dust out of an old rug. These are Jason’s woods, we play by his rules and clearly she missed the sign that said no sleeping.

And the Number 1 Jason Kill is…

Death by Decapitation

You can’t argue with this scene because, who knew that Jason was a boxer all along? He rope-a-dopes this poor man into actually believing he has a chance in this. Of course, he eventually realizes that Jason is unaffected by any of his punches and decides to give Jason a chance. Oops, at least he won’t make that mistake again, I mean, he can’t really but I’m sure if he could do it over again he may do things just slightly different.

There you have it, now pull up a chair and watch any or all of these horror movie staples and bask in the glow of the hellfire burning in Jason Voorhees.

Do you agree with the Top 13? Disagree? Let us know on Twitter, the comments section or at our Facebook page with your top scenes or if there’s a brutal Jason kill out there going unmentioned. 

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