Saturday Afternoon Wrestling (on Sunday)

Essentially think of this one as a tape delayed episode. In this weeks match, Cameron takes a look at the 2011 TNA Impact match between Jeff Hardy and Sting at “Victory Road”.

In this weeks episode we look at the horrible consequences of your top billed star being either high on Heroin or, completely drunk out of his mind. Either way, Hardy’s performance in this is pretty sad. So here we go !

0:00-0:25 – Alright, pretty sweet lazer-lights and smoke filling the entrance ramp. No Jeff Hardy though. I wonder if he’s hot-knifing some black tar real quick behind the curtain.

0:25-0:44 – Holy shit, did Hardy like die back there or something? If so, someone should really stop this whole thing now and start giving out… oh wait.

0:45 – Here he is, finally, and he has not a drop of enthusiasm.

0:46-1:21 – Hey kids! It’s the effects of drugs and walking! You know what happens kid?! You stumble around like an ass and seem to have no comprehension of where you are.

1:22-1:26 – Oh god. He’s trying to steal someones shit in the front row. This just gets sadder by the minute; like most train wrecks though, you can’t look away.

1:27-1:52 – So, Hardy’s job, and let alone any wrestler, is to have some goddamn enthusiasm. This asshole is treating that crap like it’s the plague. IT’s like if Steven Wright decided to wrestle.

2:04-2:10 – The camera pans back before Sting comes out and you see the usual at a TNA match, let alone a main event. NOBODY. Because TNA is the worst.

2:11-2:44 – The Icon Sting comes out, what exactly he an icon of? He was the worst back in the day, and still kind of is. Also, did he break the original belt and buy a new one at the gift shop? Nope that’s just TNA.

3:31-3:46 – They are literally setting this up like an actual boxing match or something. At least WWE has the decency to keep these things short.

3:48 – 

Nobody has any enthusiasm in this match, not even the ref. Maybe it’s because of that awful belt. Look at that thing, that’s worse than the WWE’s stupid spinner belt. It looks like the cover a damn Insane Clown Posse album.

4:18 –

DRUGSSSSS!!!!!!!!!! Wait sorry, I mean, the Charismatic Enigma. One can not shake their head enough at that nickname.

5:40- It’s Eric Bischoff everyone. If there were a Mt. Rushmore of crappy wrestling insiders the front-runners would be Bischoff, and  Vince Russo. I know there’s four heads but these two make up for four.

5:54 – Bischoff gives some BS about the network interfering with their business and then this happens.

Bischoff is totally giving him the “I know it was you Carlo” thing from the Godfather only this time it’s, “I know your fucking high Hardy, guess who gets to lose this one, and I mean quick.” Also, it appears Hardy suffers from Dunlop disease, because his “belly’s dun loped his belt”.

Both Hardy brothers are either high or fat, no in between.

7:30 – So the bell finally rings.

8:37 – And the wrestling actually begins, WOW. Hardy trudged around the ring playing heel, pretending to throw his shirt to the crowd for a full minute. It has been eight and a half minutes and these assholes are just starting wrestling. WHAT THE HELL! THIS IS A MAIN EVENT!

8:52 – Wow, and 15-seconds later it’s the Stinger Death Drop (such a dumb-ass-name).

8:57 – And….Match over? It looked like Hardy kicked out, but the ref chose to ignore that. Only because he realized that Hardy was high and in no way able to compete. Again this was a main event, that lasted 10 minutes, and 15-seconds of it is actual wrestling. TNA Impact wrestling. Where all your childhood heroes go to die.

Thanks for checking out this weeks Saturday Afternoon Wrestling. Check back next Saturday, when we promise we’ll actually put this thing up on Saturday afternoon, instead of Sunday afternoon.

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