NFL Week One Picks – By Cameron Heffernan and Dustin Brewer

It’s week one in the NFL and our supposed “experts” at HefferBrew want to give you their predictions for this Sunday’s games.

Photo from ESPN the Magazine

We here at HefferBrew like to think that we’ve been watching this fine sport of football for so long now that picking the winning teams has become second nature. Now with that said, choosing winning teams as our favorite teams, is not our strongest suit. So with that said, we strongly recommend that you listen to all our picks except maybe the Bills pick. We both will probably pick the Bills, and even if they do find a way to beat the Jets, they probably will have had to of killed a chicken in some voodoo ritual during pregame warm-ups.

Here’s it goes with the picks. This will be a weekly thing, so be sure to check back with us at hefferbrew.com.

INDIANAPOLIS COLTS vs. CHICAGO BEARS

Cameron: Bears – This one is pretty easy. Even if no one has faith in the Bears offense, their defense is enough to rattle a rookie like Andrew Luck. I’m saying Bears – 24, Colts – 10.

DustinBears- Everybody talks about Andrew Luck, and some are even looking to Coby Fleener to have a good year as well. This is all fine and well but neither of these guys play defense. The problem is the Colts secondary is almost always hurt and their front line may not bring the heat like they used to. Cutler to Marshall should be a popular phrase all game long. Bears-24, Colts- 14

PHILADELPHIA EAGLES vs. CLEVELAND BROWNS

Cameron: Eagles – E-A-G-L-E-S, are gonna kill it in week one. Vick will treat the secondary of the Browns like a unfit-to-perform Pit-Bull. Is it too soon for the Vick dog jokes or am I too late? Eagles – 31, Browns – 6.

DustinEagles- I’m not too sold on the Eagles this year; Michael Vick made it through less than 7 snaps this pre-season before injuring his ribs. That said, I’m even less sold on Cleveland, QB Brandon Wheedon is likely going to have to run for his 28-year-old rookie life due to a lack of an offensive line and rookie RB Trent Richardson has yet to play a down and has already had knee surgery. Cleveland just can’t ever catch a break, why start now? Eagles – 28, Browns – 3

ST. LOUIS RAMS vs. DETROIT LIONS

Cameron: Lions – Stafford and Megatron (Calvin Johnson) are a QB/WR tandem made in heaven. I wouldn’t be surprised if those two took D-Town all the way to the promise land. Or straight to the injured reserve depending on if Stafford’s shoulder doesn’t get ripped off this year and Megatron doesn’t get hurt. I’m saying Lions – 35, Rams – 12.

Dustin: Lions- Stafford to Megatron. Be ready to hear that phrase all season, permitting Stafford can stay healthy (fingers-crossed) and Calvin Johnson can avoid the “Madden” curse. This is likely to be a showcase of the Lions’ explosive offense and it’s unlikely the Rams D or offense of QB Sam Bradford and RB Stephen Jackson can keep up.  Lions – 41, Rams – 7

NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS vs. TENNESSEE TITANS

Cameron: Patriots – Last time Brady faced the Titans he put up six touchdowns with 380 yards. Nuff Said. Patriots – 42, Titans – 21.

DustinPatriots- There’s a chance we could get a shot of Rob Gronkowski telling Titans QB Jake Locker to suck it after scoring his 3rd TD of the day. The Patriots don’t do anything but win games and look impressive and unstoppable doing it. Tommy “Touchdown Throwing Football Robot” Brady isn’t looking to leave the elite QB discussion anytime soon. Patriots – 35, Titans – 13

ATLANTA FALCONS vs. KANSAS CITY CHIEFS

Cameron: Falcons – Honestly, I’m just picking the team with the less mediocrity. I don’t expect much from the Falcons this season, so why start now? Falcons – 17, Chiefs – 9.

DustinFalcons- Underachieving has been the M.O. of these Falcons since Matt Ryan came into the league. The Chiefs have a pretty strong defense, particularly in the secondary so the Falcons will have to count on Julio Jones and Roddy White and the high-powered passing game to get them off to the right start. Falcons – 14, Chiefs – 12

JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS vs. MINNESOTA VIKINGS

Cameron: Vikings – Why even Ponder passing the ball? When you have Adrian Peterson back and feeling healthy, I mean seriously, they should just run all day. Vikings – 24, Jaguars – 21. Why is it so close? Cause I think we’re gonna see a breakout year for Jags’ quarterback Blaine Gabbert. If not, their owner will swallow him with his mustache.

DustinVikings- Let’s face it, the Jaguars were possibly the worst team last season, RB Maurice Jones-Drew wanted to restructure his contract before returning to the team this offseason and QB Blaine Gabbert, entering his second year, can only get better because there’s no way he can get worse. The Vikes are hoping to have RB Adrian Peterson, who’s recovering from tearing almost every muscle in his legs, back in what would be the speediest recovery ever. It comes down to Ponder vs. Gabbert at QB and I think Ponder has an easier time with the Jags lackadaisical D. Vikings – 10, Jags – 3

WASHINGTON REDSKINS vs. NEW ORLEANS SAINTS

Cameron: Redskins – Coming out party for RGIII. I’m saying him and Pierre Garcon hook up for a solid 100 yards with two touchdowns. If not, he will be broken by the evil Saints defense. Am I the only one that thinks they’re going to come out with a bigger chip on their shoulder than prior to Bountygate? Redskins – 35, Saints – 28.

DustinSaints- All offseason long the Saints have had to dwell on the fact that they got beat in the Playoffs by an unexpected Alex Smith coming-out party. Then, their head coach got suspended for the year. Then, their defensive anchors were suspended multiple games apiece. It’s easy to think that the Saints are going to stumble this season from all these issues, but they still have Drew Brees under center and that man can put points up in a hurry. RG3 will likely impress, but looks for Brees and co. to show him a thing or two about scoring TDs. Saints – 35, Redskins – 24.

*As of today, the Saints Defensive players’ suspensions have been lifted. RG3; sleep with one eye open.

MIAMI DOLPHINS vs. HOUSTON TEXANS 

Cameron: Texans – I think Ryan Tannehill could possibly die tomorrow. Not literally, but definitely spiritually. He’s an ex-receiver turned college quarterback who in his first true NFL start will go against the No. 3 defense from last year. Texans – 38, Dolphins – 3. It’s gonna be an ugly game.

Dustin:  Texans- Word broke earlier today that Texans RB Arian Foster might not play in this game after tweaking his knee in practice Thursday. Does that change your mind at all? It shouldn’t. The Dolphins are looking to overhaul their image and return to glory, but positive thinking doesn’t stop Andre Johnson and the Texans D is likely to give rookie QB Ryan Tannehill a hard welcome to the league. Texans – 31, Dolphins – 10

SEATTLE SEAHAWKS vs. ARIZONA CARDINALS

Cameron: Seahawks, no wait, Cardinals, no, ah fuck it. Seahawks – Russell Wilson. That is all. Seahawks – 27, Cardinals – 17.

DustinSeahawaks- Somebody has to win right? Seahawks – 14, Cardinals – 7

CAROLINA PANTHERS vs. TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS

Cameron: Panthers – Cam Newton proved that he’s a beast last year. He broke the single season rushing touchdowns for a quarterback record and he had 4000-yards passing with 500-yards rushing. Panthers – 28, Buccaneers – 17.

DustinBuccaneers- Everybody liked Bucs QB Josh Freeman last year and he repaid them with shitting all over the field week in and week out. The Bucs were one of the largest disappointments of the year last season and the Panthers were one of the biggest surprises due to Cam Newton’s breakout rookie season. That said, Newton was impressive but that didn’t translate to wins. A revamped ground game should give the Bucs a slight edge at home. Bucs – 24, Panthers – 14

PITTSBURGH STEELERS vs. DENVER BRONCOS

Cameron: Steelers – Look, I don’t care if the Broncos got Peyton Manning. Their magic last year was brought upon by divine intervention, which I personally feel is cheating. What bigger of a performance enhancer is there other then Jesus totally swinging games in your favor? Now they don’t have that magic. Also, I whole-heartily expect Manning to either go down in this game and never get up or just die on-field after a brutal hit. Four neck surgeries and he comes back to the most violent sport aside from hockey. No way is he living. Steelers – 27, Broncos – 19.

DustinBroncos- My mom would never forgive me if I didn’t choose Peyton Manning winning his first game back in over a year. Cameron is convinced Manning will at some point die this season and it’s going to be interesting to watch how he handles the grueling challenges of the season but I think he’ll start the season off right. That Ryan Clark will have to sit out due to his sickle-cell gives Manning a bit of an easier time with the Steelers aging secondary. Broncos – 31, Steelers – 24

CINCINNATI BENGALS  vs. BALTIMORE RAVENS

Cameron: Ravens – I know that the Ravens defense is getting older and older by the seconds but the Bengals have two weapons and the Law Firm (Ben-Jarvis Green-Ellis). A.J. Green and “The Red Rifle” Andy Dalton can only do so much, and in last years two games the Bengals were unable to get over the Baltimore hump. On the other hand, Joe Flacco for Baltimore is looking down the barrel of shit or get off the pot and I think he’s about to take a big fat shit, in a good way. Ravens – 21, Bengals – 17.

DustinRavens- I’m a believer in Andy Dalton and A.J. Green but I can’t go against Ray Lewis. Seriously, he broke in while I was writing this and is standing in the corner watching me. GO(HELP ME!)RAVENS. Ravens – 24, Bengals – 21

SAN DIEGO CHARGERS vs. OAKLAND RAIDERS

Cameron: Chargers – They both sucked last year, like they both sucked really bad. But, one of these teams have the human-turnover machine known as Carson Palmer. Chargers – 35, Raiders – 17. That 35-points by the way? I’m saying most of it is off pick-sixes.

DustinRaiders- The Raiders have a strong secondary and Chargers QB Phillip Rivers led the league last year in turnovers caused. Yes, Carson Palmer is a turnover waiting to happen every step of the way, but with a full training camp under his belt this year, he may be a little closer to form than last year. None of this matters if Raiders’ RB Darren McFadden can stay healthy though, if the Raiders can resume the run-heavy offense they’ve tried to instill in previous years, then the Raiders could look really good this year. Raiders – 28, Chargers – 13

SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS vs. GREEN BAY PACKERS

Cameron: Green Bay – I think the Packers come out the gate hot just like they did last year. It will be in the NFC Championship that the Niners will dethrone the Packers and Jim Harbaugh will win his first Super Bowl as a NFL coach in his second year. When this happens, and I’ve said this before, Harbaugh will call up Jim Kelley and say this, “Sucker! You went four times and didn’t get one. I coached for two years and I got one. Suck it Kelly. WOOOOOO!!!!” Packers – 21, San Francisco – 20.

Dustin: Packers- This is likely the NFC title game we will see in January of 2013, both of these teams are the gold standard for what they do. The 49ers have an unstoppable defense and Aaron Rodgers could take a fan out of the stands and get him 100 yards receiving and 2 TDs. The Packers were the heavy favorites last year that were suckerpunched out of the Playoffs. The Packers could well be unstoppable all year, waging an unending assault on all other teams. Packers – 28, 49ers – 24

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