The Jump to a Bigger Screen – by Dustin Brewer

After feeling jipped by an anti-climactic TV commercial, Dustin unveils an idea of how the best commercials available could be made into blockbuster films.

Let’s face it, commercials really suck. They always interrupt the most suspenseful part of any show you happen to be watching and are usually at an ear-shatteringly high volume ten times louder than what you’re actually watching.

When you see a good commercial, it’s almost like seeing a shooting star; you just have to appreciate the moment. But some commercials are so good that they deserve a longer time to build upon the 30 second snippets we see as ads.

So now, let’s take a look at the most Hollywood ready commercials on TV today because honestly, Hollywood’s so strapped for ideas, it’s just a matter of time.

  1. The Commercial- Jameson Irish Whiskey- ‘The Hawk of Achill’

In possibly the most epic commercial ever, we’re treated to the tale of the ‘Hawk of Achill,’ a fearsome hawk that terrorizes a town makes a huge mistake by jacking a barrel of John Jameson’s whiskey. Jameson does what any alcoholic man would do; he tracks that hawk down and brings its’ dead carcass back to not only feed the town, but likely act as a warning to anyone looking to take his whiskey.

The Movie- “Hawk of Achill’ starring Russell Crowe, Scarlet Johansson and Andy Serkis as ‘Hawk’

Picture it, Russell Crowe with a ponytail and a crazy manly beard watching in horror as a big-ass hawk (mo-cap played by Andy Serkis) takes a barrel of his whiskey the night before he’s to sell it, embarrassing him in front of the town. Crowe’s Jameson then decides to exact his revenge and reclaim his honor by hunting the hawk down and we get a sweet montage of Crowe brewing a perfect batch of whiskey amidst various training. What makes this a logical ‘commercial-to-movie’ is in the movie, we can be treated to an intense, hour-long battle between Crowe and the Hawk over the barrel of his whiskey as well as poor Scar-Jo who seems to have been taken hostage for some strange reason. After strangling the hawk to death with his bare hands, Jameson heads back to town with Scar Jo on one arm and a big ass meal for the town to show them who’s boss. Directed by Peter Jackson, “Hawk of Achill” is guaranteed at least 10 Oscar nominations.

2. The Commercial- ‘Life Alert’-

If you’ve ever watched any sort of daytime television or TV Land, then chances are high you’ve seen a commercial for one of the greatest products ever invented- the Life Alert. Basically, it’s designed for old people who have a nasty habit of tripping and falling, only to then be stranded for hours on end virtually helpless. Thankfully, this product serves as a stylish necklace lanyard with a button on it that when pushed, will alert emergency medical personnel of your incident because your kids obviously don’t love you.

The Movie- “Get Up, Move On” starring Meryl Streep

I don’t even have to say anything, this movie writes itself. But, for the sake of the article; Meryl Streep plays Shelly, a strong-willed yet advanced age woman determined to show her independence to her family who spend the opening scenes trying to convince her to move to an assisted living facility. Insulted, Shelly promises they’ll be fine but as she ushers them out the door, they surprise her with a Life Alert they’ve bought her. After getting them to leave, she throws the Life Alert in a drawer and scoffs as she walks away. The next morning as Shelly’s walking into the kitchen, her slipper slides on the floor and she falls to the ground with a crash, breaking her hip. You’re telling me Meryl Streep doesn’t get nominated and win another Oscar? They’ll nominate her for doing nothing, I’m positive they’d be all over nominating her for “Senior 127 Hours with no real sense of danger.” The clip they show at awards shows can be her laying on the ground talking to herself about her life and how maybe her kids were right, maybe she isn’t the woman she thought she was. Did you get chills? Powerful stuff.

3. The Commercial Stub Hub- ‘Ticket Oak’-

My favorite commercial on TV right now is the Ticket Oak; a big, dumb ticket sprouting tree that enriches the lives of anyone looking for tickets of any nature. He asks nothing in return, just magically produces tickets to literally everything, prompting me to wish I could plant one yesterday.

The Movie- ‘Disney/Pixar’s The Ticket Oak’-voices by; Jude Law, Andy Samberg and Brad Garett as Ticket Oak

It’s already better than ‘Cars’ and you don’t even know what I’m about to say. Here we go; Charlie (Jude Law) is a newly single dad who’s desperately trying to win over his young son Jake’s (Andy Samberg) affection. When the hottest band is coming to town, Jake desperately wants to go, Charlie tries is hardest to get tickets but finds them all either sold out or being scalped for unaffordable prices. Desperate, Charlie buys tickets to another concert hoping to appease Jake, but Jake rejects them and declares his disappointment in his father, devastating Charlie. At wits end, Charlie stands in the backyard and rips the tickets to shreds, crying in frustration as he does it. Overnight however, the scraps of tickets and tears lead to the growth of the Ticket Oak, Charlie discovers the friendly magical tree and it gives him two tickets to the sold-out concert for Jake. Jake is beyond thrilled and soon, the Ticket Oak is giving Charlie all sorts of tickets and Jake and his father finally begin to bond and build a relationship. One day however, as Charlie demands tickets to a sporting event, he’s shocked to find the Ticket Oak is beginning to wilt, it’s being used up from all of Charlie’s selfishness and once it’s been stripped of all its’ tickets, Charlie is forced to bond with Jake beyond materialistic things, learning a valuable lesson and thanking the Ticket Oak before it disappears forever.

I’m calling it now, $200 million at the U.S. Box Office alone. You wouldn’t take your kids opening weekend? You’re either lying to yourself or are a terrible parent.

4. The Commercial- The Talking M&M’s-

Those talking M&Ms are practically movie stars already, we recognize all of them immediately and there’s no way we’re changing the channel when they pop up. They get into various adventures and misunderstandings, and have even met Santa Claus. Plus, they got the smoking hot (?) green one and the newly introduced but equally as mysterious brown one (what have I become?).

The Movie- ‘Shelling Out’-with voices by Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Zooey Deschanel and Seth Rogen.

Re-teaming after the success of ’50/50,’ Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Seth Rogen are the Red M&M and his oblivious best friend, the Yellow M&M. Life is pretty sweet for them, they’re the top two earners at M&M headquarters Mars’ Candy and they’re both in line for promotions to get them off of the field and in cushy desk jobs. That all changes when the Green M&M (Zooey Deschanel) arrives for her first day of work as both friends find themselves completely smitten. Their friendship takes a beating as they both attempt to one-up one another in a quest for her affections, costing them both their promotions and driving Green M&M away from either one. Eventually, the realize their mistakes and make amends, only to find that Green M&M has a best friend as well, Brown M&M (voiced by Mila Kunis) and they all start a new life together.

‘The Smurfs’ made half a billion dollars worldwide box office, you’re telling me this wouldn’t blow that crapfest out of the water?

 

 

Dustin Brewer is co-creator of HefferBrew. He clearly has way too much time on his hands, if you have any commercials you’d like to see turned into movies, let him know on Twitter @dstnbrwr or right here in the comments section.

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