A Timely Political Blast From the Past- by Dustin Brewer

With months and months of political campaigns, attack ads and debates coming to an end with tomorrow’s monumental election, we here at HefferBrew figured it was a good time to share with you an article from 2010.

Cameron and I met and both got our start working for the Moorpark College paper, the Student Voice.

In 2010 I decided to write an article announcing the candidate that had my support in the California Governor election, and with tomorrow’s election arguably being more important than 2008, the article felt as important and timely as ever.

You can also read the original post on the Student Voice website.

While coverage for this years’ election has been extensive and abundant to a point of over saturation, one dark horse candidate has gone largely unmentioned.

Ferguson McCheese has been mayor of McDonaldland for over 30 years and could lead the state with laws that have proven strict yet effective for his entire tenure as mayor.

As a child, young Ferguson was often criticized for his appearance. Kids would try to feed him to birds and would call him names like ‘Poppy Seed’ and ‘Meat Breath.’

As a result, he vowed to make sure that no one would experience the hardships he had to endure.

His efforts have proven successful. McCheese has kept crime in McDonaldland to a minimum, with hamburglary as the only real threat to town security. Also proving to be a man of the people.

McCheese was able to build a working relationship with the Grimmace. Previously an outcast, he has become a pillar of strength to the community.

McCheese also has a strong stance on Proposition 19. He believes that citizens have the right to hold the lettuce, as long as it’s less than one ounce. In perhaps his biggest contribution in his entire career, McCheese green lit a rehabilitation program for former meth addicts, leading to the recovery of Ronald J McDonald. McDonald was previously a notorious coke fiend.

He ended up in a gutter, having fried half the nerves in his brain and permanently staining his face white due to such prolonged drug use. McCheese’s program helped turn McDonald into a successful fast food icon, and while some questioned McCheese’s sanity to let a former coke hound monitor what young children were eating, McDonald’s quickly became one of the largest chains in the world.

However, his career hasn’t always been golden arches and ice cream sundaes. A domestic abuse charge filed by his wife Patty McCheese left his reputation in doubt faster than you can say ‘mad cow disease.’

During this time, several tell-all books were written about McCheese, many of them framed him as a man with a love for prostitutes larger then Elliot Spitzer.

Others shone a light on his use of illegal supplements to keep him looking fresh. Also leaked were pictures that showed him engaging in other fast food chains without the use of any condiments, but McCheese was able to get out from under the heat lamp and restore his image.

He passed a bill that helped to keep (tater) toddlers in school and to make sure that all their school supplies were kept in top shape.

McCheese was recently re elected for a record 8th term in office, but after running uncontested for his entire career, he faced stiff competition from Roger Noid, a Pizza Hut marketing designer.

McCheese was able to win by a marginal percent after a campaign focused on how Noid could ruin McDonaldland and turn the lively town stale.

Throughout his career, Mayor Ferguson McCheese has faced times both good and bad, but like a stale bun, he stayed firm in his beliefs and has proven that even having a cheeseburger for a head, can’t stop you from reaching your dreams.

A vote for McCheese is a vote for freedom.

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