Craptastic NFL Player Power Rankings: Where Sanchez or Lindley is the Sophie’s Choice of Craptasticness – By Cameron Heffernan

Cameron returns, with the internet, in full form to give his expert opinion on the weekly worst that the NFL has to offer.

First and foremost, happy holidays to everyone reading. Hope all your Turkey wishes came true. Speaking of Turkey day, there was some football, as per usual, and there was definite craptastic play on Turkey day by a usual to the list, Mr. Mark Sanchez. I was so excited to have him at Number one overall this week, for a four time honor as number one, but on Sunday, there was a performance so craptastic it beat out a guy who fumbled the ball because he ran into his own offensive lineman’s ass. So without any further mention it’s time for the craptastic countdown.

1. Ryan Lindley – Kevin Kolb, John Skelton and now Ryan Linley. These are the three quarterbacks that the Arizona Cardinals have used all year. They started with Kolb who was injured and they then turned to Skelton, who then was benched for Lindley due to poor performance. The Arizona Cardinals started 4-0 with impressive wins over the Patriots and the Seahawks. The Cards were riding high with a top-tier defense and a sub-par offense; they looked primed for a playoff run.

On Sunday the Cards sat a 4-6, losing the last six in a row. Ryan Lindley was thrust into the starting position in hopes to right the sinking ship known as the Arizona Cardinals.

Well, Lindley didn’t right shit, as a matter of fact it seems like he only made things even worse. Lindley came out and threw for 312 yards which is pretty damn good, but first, before you get all, “WHY IS HE NUMBER ONE?” “SANCHIZE FUMBLED OFF HIS OWN LINEMANS ASS!!” Well, Lindley also threw four interceptions, and you may say, “so what? Matt Ryan threw for five last week,” and I shall rebuttal with well, Matt Ryan didn’t throw two pick sixes to the same rookie safety last week. Janoris Jenkins had one interception throughout the entire season, playing against such craptastic fodder as Buffalo, Miami, Philadelphia, Minnesota, and St. Louis, now he has three, two being Lindley picks for touchdowns. Effectively making Lindley king of the craptastic heap this week.

2. Mark Sanchez/Jets (whole team)/Rex Ryan/Fireman Ed – You start to get tired of talking about someone in such a negative light for so long. Mark Sanchez has been far from perfect this season, hell he’s been an absolute mess, that at some times it seems Rex Ryan’s only goal is to parade the poor kid out there as some living testament to the Ringling Brother’s act that the New York Jets have become.

Mark Sanchez threw for 301 yards with one touchdown, one interception and a fumble returned for a touchdown that was one of the greatest high-comedy moments of anything in pop culture in a long while.

On first and 10, after a solid 11-yard pass play, Sanchez dropped back, faked to his fullback, looked to hand off to running back, Shonn Greene, who wasn’t there, panicked, ran up the middle, tripped, went face first into the ass of guard Brandon Moore, effectively knocking himself out and fumbling the ball to be returned by Steve Gregory for a touchdown. Here it is for your viewing pleasure.

It’s absolutely wonderful. Then on the ensuing kickoff, with Mark Sanchez on the sideline, Joe McKnight fumbled the ball which was then returned for a touchdown and in 43 seconds the Patriots had scored 21 points and taken a 28-0 lead over the pathetic J-E-T-S, JETS, JETS, JETS. This game was so bad even the teams pseudo-mascot, Fireman Ed (who looks like an asshole), quit the team. The Jets have become a pathetic excuse of a football team, one that is more comparable to a community college football team, but that still doesn’t matter because they still have one more game left against the Buffalo Bills and that is a team that is more comparable to a pee-wee football team. Speaking of…

3. Ryan Fitpatrick/Bills (whole team, except C.J. Spiller and Stevie Johnson, they’re cool)/ Chan Gailey/ Whatever the hell their offensive scheme is – 

Again, we’re beating a dead horse with this, but it’s become absolutely pathetic watching this team, week in and week out as a fan. The Bills consistently can’t get the ball down the field, turn the ball over in the worst of moments and throughout all of their games it always seems like they’re playing to lose. They lucked out with a godsend of an interception to end Thursday’s game against the Dolphins but they were far from lucky when it came to fighting for a playoff spot against the Colts. They lost this game in every way imaginable, they couldn’t find a way to get any points aside from field goals till the final minutes of the game, they lose on special teams and they always lose in the passing game, the Bills had a chance to pull themselves up by the boot-straps and win to stay alive in the playoff hunt but instead decided to shit all over the proverbial bed.

Ryan Fitzpatrick(Pickzpatrick if you’re nasty) is the most timid sissy that has ever thrown a football in the NFL ever. This guy is set to make $30 million guaranteed no matter what, and right now he sits  at 18 touchdowns and 11 interceptions and he’s still a Harvard graduate that coaxed Buddy Nix and whatever other idiots found it a good idea to give this unproven, career backup a franchise quarterbacks salary. I just don’t understand why they even try. It’s about damn time that they tank it from here on out and get a first-five draft pick and find a real quarterback.

But hey, that’s why I bought an Andrew Luck jersey and am one-foot-on-one-foot-off the Colts bandwagon right now. I will always be a Bills fan, but sometimes it’s just more fun to root for a winnner.

4. Charlie Batch – This poor guy didn’t even see it coming, Three interceptions, 199 total yards and just general craptasticness. As a matter of fact, the whole team just sucked, every running back fumbled, including two by Chris Rainey (one lost), two by Rashard Mendenhall (one lost), Receiver Emmanuel Sanders fumbled twice too (one lost), then Isaac Redman and Jonathan Dwyer both lost both their one fumble each. So in counting, including the three interceptions the Steelers had eight turnovers and 11 total losses of the ball but three of those were picked up before they went the other way. Without Ben Roethlisberger this team looks like a hoard of walkers from the Walking Dead just waiting to be put out of their misery with a swift ax to the forehead or in this case an ass-handling from the lowly Cleveland Browns.

5. The Dallas Cowboys – When I think, what better way then to win a fan base back, I immediately think of the game-plan that the Cowboys have put into affect.

Step one – Win your season opener against the defending Super Bowl Champions in domination fashion.

Step two – Get Blown out on the road, shrug it off and beat what is now a decent Tampa team, then get your ass handed to you by the Bears and the Ravens in back-to-back weeks.

Step three – Beat Carolina and make Cam Newton look awful, suckering your fan-base back into thinking, “hey. maybe this Cowboys team won’t be complete garbage.”

Step four – Move to 3-5 behind two heartbreakingly close losses to a team you beat down in the first game of the season and the then unbeaten Falcons.

Step five – Own division rival Philadelphia making your record 4-5 and on the come-up then turn around and struggle like a 40-year-old man with a Gull-Stone against the Cleveland Browns.

Step six – Play “shit-your-pants-bad football” on Thanksgiving day against a division rival with a rookie quarterback (no matter how amazing that rookie quarterback may be) and effectively knock yourself out of the playoff hunt and just destroy your fan bases hopes for any reason to even want to watch football this year.

Thank you Dallas. Thank you so much for how much you suck.

Honorable Mentions: Brandon Pettigrew (Dropped a lot of game changing balls; originally was number five.) Aaron Rodgers (Wow! Really), Shonn Greene, Christian Ponder, Carson Palmer (two first round picks for a bag of dicks), Kansas City Chiefs (All of them. Depending on how next week goes they may see the Cowboys treatment too.), The Seattle Seahawks, Ryan Tannehill, The whole Baltimore San Diego game (I was there live, unfortunately my girlfriend and I left early before the Ray Rice, “hey diddle diddle, check-down, Ray Rice up the middle,” as Rice described it in a post-game conference, but that game was absolutely awful through and through, fun experience though as it always is at that shit-hole Qualcomm.), Joe Flacco, Nick Foles.

Cameron Heffernan is co-creator of HefferBrew and it feels good to have the internet back. I am now all moved in into a new apartment all sorts of pumped to start cranking out the quality type of HefferBrew articles you know and love. 

 

 

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