Craptastic NFL Player Power Rankings: Where MNF Saves The Best For Last – By Cameron Heffernan

Just like every Tuesday, HefferBrew and editor Cameron Heffernan bring you the weekly rundown of the worst the NFL has to offer.

From newyork.puddingcity.com

From newyork.puddingcity.com

Monday Night Football came to an end last night. Well, in a way, there’s still a Monday Night Game to be played but it’s on Saturday. Last night we saw the Titans versus the Jets with a playoff opportunity hanging in the balance for the Jets. We also saw the sad and underwhelming decline of one man come to an almighty-head with Mark Sanchez.  As well, a few other “top-tier” quarterbacks really pooped their bed this week, but first, the aforementioned Sanchez.

Mark Sanchez – I felt tired, writing about Mark Sanchez week-in and week-out, The Patriot game on Thanksgiving created for high comedy, but then it became a reoccurring bout with empathy on whether or not it was worth it to belittle and break down the craptatsticness of “The Sanchize”. Then last night happened and it was like the old saying, “whenever god closes a door he opens a window.”

My door was closed last night; then Marky Mark and the crappy bunch blew the window wide open and took a dump on the brand new carpet.

Sanchez threw four interceptions, was sacked three times, had one of the saddest fumbles of all time, and he did throw a touchdown. So there’s that.

Then there’s this funny statistic, in the last two seasons the list of most turnovers by one man, not a team, one man, goes like this:

4. Josh Freeman – 41 total turnovers

3. Ryan Fitzpatrick – 45 total turnovers

2. Phillip Rivers – 47 total turnovers

and numero uno is……….

1. Mark Sanchez – 50 total turnovers.

In 32 games, Sanchez was able to muster up enough effort to be the cause of 50 turnovers for the Jets. 50! Now, I would love to say, “most quarterbacks are benched after such poor performance,” but everyone on that list is a starter and is totally still starting till the day someone else gets drafted or they die.

Last night though, Sanchez made one of the greater cases as to why it’s more than definitely Tebow Time in New York. Sanchez threw interceptions to the same two guys, four in total, two for each. One of those interceptions, the first one, was kind of Sanchez’s fault, and kind of not, it was a miraculous catch and even Jason McCourty was surprised. Now, as for the second, third and fourth one, those were 100% Sanchize’s fault.

Interception one was an overthrown ball deep down the middle to Jeff Cumberland, to which again, Jason McCourty just steeped into the middle of the field and the ball dropped into his hands. No exaggeration here either, McCourty just stepped into the middle of the field and, like he was on the Jets himself, just had the ball drop right into his hands. Sanchez did this same exact thing on the third but to Michael Griffin, and then on the fourth, on a 1st and 10 at the Tennessee 23, The Sanchize, pressured in the pocket, stepped up into a crowd of Line-men, and with all the limp-wristed abilities that one could muster he under-threw Cumberland again and dropped the ball into triple coverage with a safety deep and once again Griffin had the ball drop into his hands.

It looked like Sanchez was attempting to throw the game to the best of his abilities; maybe so the Jets wouldn’t make the playoffs and all the pressure would just go away for poor Sanchez. Then, in what literally can sum up what the Jets season has been, after a muffed punt by the Titans, Sanchez and the Jets had the ball on the Titans 25, 1st and 10. Then in a whirlwind of incompetence, Nick Mangold, low-snapped the ball to Sanchize to which he had his fingers on it for a single second and then. Gone. Bilal Powell’s feet, just looking to block for Sanchize, kicked the ball across the turf as Sanchize fell back, it was recovered by the Titans and just like that, everything came tumbling down like a house of cards.

It’s too bad for Jets fans that Mark Sanchez has sucked so much, but, I personally thank him for being the greatest piece of history we have as to what is a truly craptastic NFL player.

2. Matthew Stafford – My fellow editor and I have joked that whenever Stafford has a good game, it should be referred to as him giving the other team a Staff-infection. It would appear though that maybe Stafford has now contracted a Staff-infection himself and it has caused him to have what could be the most empty back-to-back 5,000-yard seasons ever. After three interceptions and 243 yards, Stafford has devolved into a shell of what he was last year, and this may be apart of a bigger trend in that the Lions are only just regressing back to their mean.

3. Josh Freeman – Joshy-boy decided to have himself a stinker, putting up four interceptions on 57 passing attempts. The majority of his craptitude was from the fact that Tampa couldn’t develop any semblance of a running game. Thus why he gets a little leeway as opposed to Stafford. Staff had a run game going and has the last couple of games, its just a major dose of bad defense and terrible quarterback play put them in the usual Detroit hole they’ve occupied for the better part of their franchise.

4. Eli Manning – The prettier Manning should actually be above the last two but he also only threw two interceptions as opposed to the other two above who threw a total of seven.  Eli has been consistently bad the last couple games and the best part of it is the Eli grumpy face.

poor_eli_manning

Look at it. It’s just so sad. I want to pet him like he’s a sad little puppy. Okay, this has gotten weird. Moving on.

5. Ryan Fitzpatrick – Pickzpatrick was back at again. Going up against the Seahawks defense I wasn’t expecting much; the fact that Pickzy threw a touchdown was miraculous.

The fact that he threw an interception, a pick six, fumbled the ball and generally just sucked, was really no big surprise. When the final score read 50-17 in favor of the Seahawks, all I could do was laugh. Like the much maligned Jets, the Bills have down nothing but live up to their past-standards of inept football. Spend upwards of $100 million on “defensive specialist” and invest $80 million in a limp-wristed fairy for a quarterback, supposedly, and according to these teams, those are the keys to success . Maybe Buffalo will be able to get rid of Pickzy and the entire coaching staff; but most likely they’ll ride it out till their contracts expire and by then they’ll probably be playing in Los Angeles.  It’s sad that a season filled with so much promise and false optimism was destroyed by the ones brought in to turn it around, it’s as if they stole the game-plan for the Eagles season last year.

Honorable Mentions: Joe Flacco, Doug Martin, Jay Cutler, The entirety of the New York Giants, St. Louis’s game-plan to stop Adrian Peterson, Chad Henne, Ryan Lindley, Phillip Rivers, Ben Roethlisberger, First half Tom Brady, Nick Foles, Bryce Brown, Anyone involved in the Raiders vs. Chiefs game – 15-0 on field goals is how the Raiders won, just pathetic. 

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