Dear Russia: Watch Dante’s Peak – By Gavin Muirhead

Russia has some crap going down right now. First a meteor hits them, and now, come to find out, they have 29 active Volcanoes.

dante

 

As some of you know, Russia is a big, dangerous, dark place where the bears walk in the streets and the bikes ride you to work. They also have more volcanoes than you could shake a stick at (29 active), 5 of which are currently set to erupt any day now.

To prepare the Russian Federation for the impending doom they are sure to try and cover up, here is the official Unofficial Russian Volcano Survival Guide.

In 1997, the good people at Universal decided to put a washed up Linda Hamilton (Mayor Rachel Wando) in a leading role opposite the ever-talented Pierce Brosnan (Dr. Harry Dalton) in the geologically thrilling Dante’s Peak.

Much like all of Russia, Dante’s Peak is a sleepy mountain town in the heart of Washington State, where Rachel is the mayor of this little town, and kills time by making coffee for people at her Quickee Mart. Harry works for the USGS and is doing some routine volcano stuff in town and being a good mayor, Rachel offers her assistance.

So, after knowing each other for 5 minutes they decide to take Linda’s kids up the mountain to see their stubborn old grandma in her cabin, and go for a swim in the hot springs close by. Upon arrival at the springs one of the kids is about to ump into a bubbling hot spring when Harry snags him out of mid air and they notice 2 boiled people in the hot spring.

Tip: Although the water is most likely sterile from the heat, I wouldn’t advise jumping in.

Naturally this causes a big stink, and the mayor calls a town meeting in which Harry scares the town to death and then an earthquake happens. At this point the USGS team has decided to stay in town and watch the mountain for volcanic activity.

A week goes by and they do some science stuff with an 8 legged robot creatively dubbed “Spider Legs” and one of the scientists breaks his leg while kicking the robot inside of the volcano. Mostly though, nothing happens, they get bored and are about to leave. Just as they are packing up, Harry remembers that he forgot to tap that hot Linda Hamiltonnn…. He heads up to her cabin to get some action, when he is savagely cock-blocked by Rachel’s daughter when she needs a stereotypical drink of water in the middle of the night. The water comes out of the faucet brown and stinky, this probably wont raise any flags to the Russians reading this because your water is communist water and we all know there is nothing clear or refreshing about that.

They take the water back to Harry’s camp and have it tested, and they gather the town up for an evacuation meeting. During the meeting, all hell breaks loose and the improbable survival kicks off in the best of scales. The entire town panics and goes nuts, Harry and Rachel race to Harry’s huge Chevy Suburban with an off-road snorkel, in an effort to get Rachel’s kids from her cabin. In doing so, they speed through streets full of her citizens, drive across a legitimate river, and through a huge ash flow.

Note to Volcano victims: Get a snorkel for your truck, and don’t mind the pedestrians.

Upon arriving at Rachel’s cabin, they find the kids are gone and have stolen their mom’s truck to go even further up the mountain to save the hermit grandma. So they head up after them, when they arrive to grandmas cabin the kids are safe and Harry convinces everyone to leave. The cabin is then taken out by a lava flow and the only option they have is to run to the lake near by and hop in a little boat. What they don’t know – the lake is now acid, and they are all going to die. As they motor across the lake, the acid eats the prop on the boat conveniently close to the dock on the safe side of the lake. Knowing that they wont make it across before the boat is eaten by acid, granny jumps into the lake and pulls the boat to safety, while sustaining some serious acid burns to her bottom half.

Which brings me to my next tip: Bring the old person, they might end up being useful.

Grandma dies, and the rest of them find a Chevy truck at a ranger station. Now, I’m sure if you used a Ford or Dodge in this scenario you would surely be dead, but because Chevy was built “Like a Rock” in the 90’s it is no big deal. They take that rangers truck and decide to drive it through and over some lava. Then they get it stuck in lava, and instead of melting like it should, that rock hard Chevy thrusts it’s way through Dante’s Inferno (ha! Right?) and carries them all to the safety of an old mining cave (no, they don’t say why it’s there.)

Evactuation tip: Always have a plan, even if it’s shit. At least things can go or not go accordingly.

Once in the cave Harry turns on a GPS beacon and they get rescued a day later.

Now, if your reading this and thinking to yourself – “How will this help me?”

It won’t.

I just hope that the lava flow creeping it’s way into your disheveled Russian home got a good head start and your living room is on fire.

Love,  America.

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