Petition to “Ignition” – by Dustin Brewer

A petition has been started to change the U.S.’s National Anthem to R. Kelly’s classic jam, “Ignition.” Dustin tries to explain why this could be the greatest idea ever.

Please hear me out.

Last night I came across a petition to the White House that our National Anthem, “The Star Spangled Banner” should be retired and replaced with really, the only logical choice; R Kelly’s 2003 sexfest “Ignition (Remix).”

We, the undersigned, would like the Obama administration to recognize the need for a new national anthem, one that even a decade after its creation, is still hot and fresh out the kitchen. America has changed since Francis Scott Key penned our current anthem in 1814. Since then, we have realized that after the show, it’s the afterparty, and that after the party, it’s the hotel lobby, and–perhaps most importantly–that ’round about four, you’ve got to clear the lobby, at which point it’s strongly recommended that you take it to the room and freak somebody. President Obama: we ask you to recognize the evolution of this beautiful country and give us an anthem that better suits the glorious nation we have become.

Does reading that fill you with a child like glee? No? Well then, Chief of the Fun Police, allow me to break down the top 3 reasons a petition like this could be a great thing.

3. Sporting Events Would Never Be the Same- Imagine this: it’s Super Bowl Sunday, the crowd is electric, the soon-to-be-Champion Buffalo Bills are gearing up for the biggest game in the team’s history. Everyone is pumped, all that’s left before kickoff is the National Anthem. Beyonce/Alicia Keys/Jennifer Hudson (take your pick) stand at midfield and deliver a soul-stirring rendition of “Ignition (Remix)” that you feel yourself tearing up with Patriotic pride. Also, before every NASCAR event, they sing the National Anthem. That would equate to 36 weeks of country and soft rock stars singing “Ignition” to waves of heavily intoxicated rednecks. That’s an America I can get behind.

2. It Changes the Mood of the Country- Francis Scott Key wrote the “Star Spangled Banner” after witnessing Fort McHenry get bombarded by the British during the War of 1812. R. Kelly probably wrote “Ignition (Remix)” after a night of strip-club fueled debauchery. Which one of those sounds more fun? As Americans, do we want our National Anthem to be a constant reflection on the horrors of war, or do we want to feel like making it rain?

1. Embracing the Hate- Conventional wisdom suggests that most countries aren’t very big fans of the United States. Most countries scoff at us as lazy, handout wanting freeloaders that deserve the debt we’ve amassed and to be knocked off our high-horse of thinking that we’re still the greatest country in the world. Why not just say screw it and embrace the idea that we’re flashy? Who’s arguably the biggest rapper in the U.S. right now? Kanye West. What does Kanye West do? Does Kanye West speak modestly and avoid paparazzi at all costs to maintain an average and quiet lifestyle? Hell no he doesn’t! He’s arguably the biggest name in music and at the same time, one of the most hated. Changing our National Anthem to “Ignition (Remix)” is saying “Yes, we are the United States and we are here to get our party on, no matter what you say or what you think.”

I’ll leave you with one more image: it’s the 2016 Olympics, a U.S. athlete stands atop the podium about to receive the gold and every nation in the world has to stand there and listen to 3:12 of R. Kelly smoothness. You may not like the brashness, you may even hate it, but regardless, you have to respect it and that’s the message the U.S. can send to the world.

 

Dustin Brewer is co-creator of HefferBrew. He has signed the petition and can also make a case for “Trapped in the Closet” as the new Pledge of Allegiance. Follow him on Twitter @dstnbrwr or @HefferBrew.

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