The editors at HefferBrew give their seasoned opinions on the upcoming, grandest show of them all, WrestleMania 29.
This Sunday is, what some consider the biggest event in sports all year. Over the Super Bowl, the Stanley Cup, NBA Finals, and so on and so forth, WrestleMania 29 is the “grandaddy of them all”. Last year saw what was labeled to be “once in a lifetime”. The Rock Vs. Cena, Goliath Vs. well, Goliath. If this all feels like Deja Vu, you are not wrong. That match that was sold as ‘once in a lifetime’ is now twice in a lifetime and the second time has the potential to be worse than the first. On the other hand, matches like C.M. Punk Vs. The Undertaker for the Streak, Alberto Del Rio Vs. Jack Swagger for the World Heavyweight Championship, and Triple-H Vs. Brock Lesnar all will more than likely make up for the possible shit-show that will be Rock/Cena II: The Roid-fueled Reckoning.
On to the predictions:
Triple-H Vs. Brock Lesnar
Cameron: Lesnar – Triple-H needs to be put down. I love the Haich-A, he’s easily one of my favorite of all-time. Unfortunately, since he’s taken over as a corporate stooge for the WWE it’s been damn near impossible to see him as the unstoppable bad-ass that he once was. This is it, I feel, for one of the greater wrestlers of ever. It will be a sad thing to watch, but what better a way to go out then having your ass handed to you on the biggest stage of them all in your business.
Dustin: Triple-H – Taking a page from TNA, a stipulation was hinted for this match involving the winner getting Stephanie McMahon, H’s wife. I’m not 100% that stipulation hasn’t been dropped, but, assuming it has, I still don’t see H losing this match. Last time these two fought, it ended with a broken-armed H unsure he’d ever wrestle again. But now, he’s got a shaved head and a “one last ride” mentality, what better way to end his legendary in-ring career.
Alberto Del Rio (Champion) Vs. Jack Swagger – World Heavyweight Title Bout
Cameron: Jack Swagger – I fully expect this to only be the beginning of what will be a long, offensive and poorly acted rivalry between one of the better technical wrestlers (Del Rio) versus, the bumbling idiot, Jack Swagger. Swagger will more than likely employ some dirtier than most actions to win, Del Rio will fume and there will be a re-match and Del Rio will be champion again. Right now though, WWE is staring down the barrel of a genuine star with Swagger. Since he made his comeback, many a folk have jumped on his poorly spoken bandwagon; something I still can’t wrap my head around. This match as with the one previous will be great. As long as Swagger doesn’t have to cut another promo. We The People, can not handle it anymore.
Dustin: Jack Swagger – Since Swagger returned, he’s said a total of maybe 5 sentences but he’s kicked plenty of asses. His bizarre “Radical All-American” persona with the doughy, highly racist looking promoter, Zeb Colter. I fully expect Swagger to win this match with the aid of Colter or with the emergence of a new, third member of this gaggle of radicals. Which is a shame because Del Rio has excelled as a face and a champion, so to see his reign ended so early seems harsh, but is sure to not be long lasted as this will surely continue the feud between the Mexican Del Rio and the “All American” Swagger.
Tyler’s Side Note: Del Rio – I really think that Del Rio is going to win a hard fought match, to retain the title. ONLY to have Swagger beat him down post match, and that’s when it happens! Dolph Ziggler cashes in his Money in the Bank contract, and we have a new World Heavyweight Champion.
C.M. Punk Vs. The Undertaker – The Battle For The Streak
Cameron: C.M. Punk – There’s a rumor, that when WWE sat down to discuss this match with Undertaker, he was adamant about Punk being the one to end the streak of 20-0. This rumor has been shot down ever since. As a matter of fact, WWE supposedly scoffed at this idea; still seeing Punk as non-Cena level essentially. I don’t believe any of this. I understand that if someone like Cena were to be the one who was trying to end the Streak, it would happen. What I’m saying, is that Punk has reached Cena level, we all just haven’t realized it yet. Soon we shall all chant the same obscenities at Punk that we do to Cena, and one of the main reasons will be that he was the one who made ‘Taker 20-1.
Dustin: C.M. Punk – Punk winning seemed like a slam dunk 3 weeks ago, then, Paul Bearer died and this build-up hit a perverse level of personal. Punk has week-in and week-out insulted ‘Taker and Kane by hijacking the mythical urn Bearer used to carry with him and dumping “Bearer’s Ashes” onto Taker. All moves that seem to telegraph that there’s no way Undertaker could lose now. However, as Cameron already mentioned, ‘Taker insisted that Punk be the one to end it. Clearly, the Undertaker isn’t looking to last forever and he realizes that as long as the streak stands, he can’t truly retire. I think Punk pulls off the improbable upset and cements his status as “Best in the World.”
John Cena Vs. The Rock (Champion) – WWE Championship Bout
Cameron: John Cena – I don’t have much to say. The guy who has a flourishing movie career isn’t going to hold the title for longer than he already has. Cena has been on a slump since he lost to The Rock last year. Now begins the redemption of Cena, and what better way then to gift him the fucking WWE Title.
Once in a lifetime my ass.
Dustin: Cena – We knew the moment that John Cena won the Royal Rumble that the Rock would win the title and the two would meet in a rematch at Wrestlemania where Cena would reclaim the title and send the Rock back to Hollywood full-time. We’re about 85% there. Is it odd that the only match that has any shred of mystery to its’ outcome is Punk/Taker? Anyways, get ready for another Cena title reign that will last half of what Punk’s did but feels twice as long.
The Sad And Unfortunate Predictions of The Rest of The Show:
Winners in bold
Chris Jericho Vs. Fandango
Sheamus, Randy Orton and Big Show Vs. The Shield
Ryback Vs. Mark Henry
Team Hell No Vs. Dolph Ziggler and Big E Langston (W/A.J. Lee) (Tag Team Championship Bout)
Tons of Funk and The Funkadactyls Vs. Team Rhodes Scholars and The Bella Twins
Tell us what you think at @HefferBrew on Twitter or in the comments. It’s always fun to theorize on what adds up to something that no matter what, is predetermined. All hail the rein of Cena.