We introduce you to our wonderful fantasy football experiment. FAIL-Ball.
Football season is finally under way, and after months of waiting, things couldn’t be off to a better start. Let’s be honest, how many of you drafted Blaine Gabbert 1st overall in your fantasy leagues?
Chances are, no one did that unless you have the mental capacity of a fried egg… or you happen to be a member of the HefferBew Fantasy FAIL-Ball Extravaganza league.
This season on HefferBrew you will find two kinds of fantasy football reporting and projections, the regular 10-Man ESPN Style where the object is to win, with winners. Option two is where this article will focus: FAIL-Ball.
The rules of FAIL-ball are very simple and straight forward:
#1 – Choose starters and direct back up players for your team, 3rd string and higher picks only. Players must see action every week.
#2 – Intentionally starting a non participant is punishable by death. (This rule isn’t set in stone. Depending on comedic value of player, you can earn not death.)
#3 – Success in any form will not be tolerated.
Create a team of starters and handcuffs that are sure to fail, you want receivers that will be targeted a ton – but never catch the damn ball. Drops are like pieces of gold in FAIL-ball. Running backs who get stuffed at the line and fumble constantly are huge, and like I said – when Blaine Gabbert goes first overall and everyone is upset about it – you are really picking champions of the game here.
Here is a screenshot of our scoring system within the ESPN Fantasy system, once you input the scoring guidelines all of the player projections will change to reflect the new bizarro scoring system.
And now, the HefferBrew Fail-Ball Teams:
The Chokeland Failers (Gavin’s Team):
QB: Blane Gabbert (Bench: Ryan Tannehill)
WRs: Santanio Holmes, Eric Decker, DeSean Jackson
RBs: Ryan Mathews, Darren McFadden (Bench: Reggie Bush, Daryl Richardson)
TEs: Dallas Clark (Bench: Brent Celek)
Defense: The Eagles (Bench: Chiefs)
Kicker: Alex Henery (Bench: Adam Vinatieri)
Punter: Shawn Powell (Bench: Sam Martin)
The Cunt Punter: (Cameron’s Team)
QB: Geno Smith (Bench: Mark Sanchez, Phillip Rivers)
RB: Bilal Powell, DeMarco Murray (Bad Choice, thought he would’ve fumbled more), Shonne Green
WR: Greg Jennings, Kenny Britt, Danny Amendola, Mike Williams, Sidney Rice, and Lance Moore (I sacrificed for QBs and ended up with decent receivers. I was the second highest scorer though.)
TE: Was going to be Aaron Hernandez, but it looks like he was finally dropped from ESPN leagues. Now I’m stuck with Vernon Davis.
Defense: Oakland Raiders. The key to my success.
Kicker: David Akers (He’s old)
Punter: Robert Malone
Yo Gabba Gabbert (Dustin’s Team)
QB: Jake Locker (Bench: Sam Bradford)
WRs: Dexter McCluster, TJ Graham (Bench:Greg Little, Kendall Wright, Rod Streater)
RBs: Bryce Brown, Ryan Turbin, Mikel Leshoure
TEs: Anthony Fasano (Bench: Mercedes Lewis)
Defense: Saints (Bench: Jaguars)
Kicker: Josh Scobee (Bench: Nick Folk)
Punter: Marquette King
As you can see from the amazingly skilled teams we’ve selected, we don’t care about touchdowns – we prefer not to get them. Having two kicking positions on your team is a sure fire way to get extra points from terrible kicks, and if you miss a PAT – it’s like “passing Go” and you collect 25 points.
Where traditional fantasy football is based on winning and destroying your opponent, FAIL-ball is really about science. We decided that some NFL players and in rare cases, entire franchises, are so terrible that they could actually win games in a Bizarro universe where failing equals winning. It also shows that even the best teams in the league have a fair share of terribly terrible players.
In the Thursday night season opener, Peyton Manning went crazy and threw 7 touchdowns for over 450 yards, ending with -24.6 points because he was way too successful. On that same night, Superbowl winning, $120,000,000 Joe Flacco failed in stunning form, netting 41 points in FAIL-ball. An odd and sad thing to note, Joe Flacco went undrafted in BOTH of the HefferBrew leagues, Traditional and FAIL. No one wants this guy, be it to win or fail he just can’t find a fantasy home with us.
The list of players that are drowning your traditional teams and could be making a godly Fail team is insane. We drafted a 10 man FAIL league, and this is the first two rounds of picks (We had a few auto drafters so some of the good players get picked high, as per the usual):
Round: 1 ** (1) The Chokeland Failers - Blaine Gabbert QB (2) Ron Mex 8==D - Adrian Peterson RB (3) Dallas Cry Babies - Arian Foster RB (4) Team Sampogna - Marshawn Lynch RB (5) Loss Angeles Ghosts - Ray Rice RB (6) Yo Gabba Gabbert - Sam Bradford QB (7) The Raging Tebowners - Matthew Stafford QB (8) Team Miller - Doug Martin RB (9) Team Heffernan - Geno Smith QB (10) Team Schneekloth - Brandon Weeden QB Round: 2 (11) Team Schneekloth - Denarius Moore WR (12) Team Heffernan - Raiders D/ST D/ST (13) Team Miller - Jamaal Charles RB (14) The Raging Tebowners - Bills D/ST D/ST (15) Yo Gabba Gabbert - Jaguars D/ST D/ST (16) Loss Angeles Ghosts - C.J. Spiller RB (17) Team Sampogna - Trent Richardson RB (18) Dallas Cry Babies - Alfred Morris RB (19) Ron Mex 8==D - Stevan Ridley RB ** (20) The Chokeland Failers - Chiefs D/ST D/ST
We will have our rankings from Week 1 Fail-Ball posted within the week, be sure to check back with us throughout the entire season, and yes, feel free to use the HefferBrew FailBall Points model above to create a league of your own. Like that awesome/awful women’s baseball movie.