Superhero Movies, Mostly Super Suck

By Gavin Muirhead

Avoid being tricked into spending your hard-earned money on every single superhero movie to come out this summer. Gavin looks at how most of the time, the sky high expectations set by awesome trailers or other successful films in the genre, can never be met.

How may times have you been burned by a Super-Summer-Hero-Bonaza? I’m guessing at least five different times in your life, you have felt the disappointment that can only be summed up as a “Hulk-esque Pooch Screw.” I know I have.

If you are saying to yourself, “nope – only four times, idiot..”

Just wait.

Releasing this summer, we have Captain America:The Winter Soldier, The Amazing Spider-Man 2: Jamie Foxx is Blue, X-Men: Days of Really Bad Outfits, and Mutated Alien Turtles with Lips.  What did we ever do to deserve such inhumane treatment?

Negativity.., Engage!

First to hit theaters this summer is the aforementioned Captain America: The Winter Soldier.

captain-america-the-winter-soldier-2014-movie-review-bucky-eyes-sebastian-stan

– Where the hell is all the Winter Soldier? Hmm? For a movie called, “The Winter Soldier” I think he should have had more than 10 total minutes of screen time (that figure isn’t exact, I don’t care). They should have called this movie “Captain America: What’s Under Nick Fury’s Eye-patch?” or “Captain America: Does Stuff He Did In The Avengers.” At least that way you don’t feel ripped off expecting a badass Winter Soldier throw down with Captain America, only to be left annoyed and confused at the semi-romantic final battle between the two titled characters. Was Nicholas Sparks a contributing writer on this movie?

To be fair, there were some great shield bashing moments, but it’s a two-hour movie, and turns into a Bromance novel by the end.

 

The Amazing Spider-Man 2: Jamie Foxx Is Blue

Jamie-Foxx-in-The-Amazing-Spider-Man-2

– Uhh… Really? Do none of you remember the first “Amazing Spider-Man?” It was so bad,  The Lizard was terrible and I think I hate Andrew Garfield. No, wait, Yes. Yes I do. That guy is terrible, Toby McGuire was a much better Spider-Man. Watching Andrew Garfield douche around as Peter Parker is just as nauseating as seeing Saggy Maggie Gyllenhaal replace Katie Holmes in the Dark Knight trilogy. Droopy the dog wasn’t available for a reading that week, so they got Maggie to come in instead. By the time Uncle Ben died in “Amazing 1”, I could only think that he was the lucky one, I still had over an hour of this crap to suffer through. Now, because the first time around was so bad, Sony/Marvel/Columbia decided to throw $200,000,000 (Two Hundred Million Dollars!?) away and paint Oscar winning Jamie Foxx the brightest shade of blue they could find at Home Depot, they got some discount Draco Malfoy to play Harry Osborn and I guess Paul Giamatti is a fat guy in a Mech Suit.

This movie releases tonight, and I can’t wait to see it, so I can tell you all not to see it. Again.

BLUE

 

Ugh… There is a new X-Men movie…

Days Of Future Past, clever title…

If you can’t figure that out, well – It’s a time travel piece. The real X-men – Sir Patric Stewart, Sir Ian McKellan, Hugh Jackman, Hallie Berry, you know – the X-Men, are going to travel back in time to defeat Sentinels sent back  to destroy the X-Men before they are formed (Probably.)

Ill say it.., James Cameron wants his storyline back.

So, Peter Dinklidge is going to try and “John Connor” Professor X some time in the 70’s and the X-Men (present time) are going to team up with themselves and some others in the past, to stop the future from happening to them all. Fine, I’ll accept this rewashed story.

What I can not just sit back and accept though, is how a movie with a budget of $250,000,000 can have Quicksilver look like this:

quicksilver-xmen-days-future-past-carls-jr

Are bad costume decisions becoming cool now? Did I miss a memo? He looks like something Coachella crapped out after Weekend 2.

x-men-first-class-photo-jennifer-lawrence3

I just hope Mystique has a better wig this time around.. and maybe they can barrow some of the leftover blue paint from Jamie Foxx to actually cover all of her skin… seriously, who does the makeup and costumes for this and why aren’t they unemployed yet?

…And here we are, the most obviously wrong movie to be made this year: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

turtles

To be fair and accurate, they aren’t really “teenage” and they’re barely turtles. Mutants? Not really, more like infected with an alien form of gigantism, and they have lips… I know, they do resemble a giant E.T., don’t they?

I don’t know what it is, I wasn’t even a Turtle-Head when I was a kid. Sure, I watched the cartoon and enjoyed the old movies, but it wasn’t Batman, so, meh. Now that I am a crusty old man, I hate change, and despise the constant state of Rebooting that Hollywood is in right now. Does everything need to be remade as a feature film? No, Hollywood, it doesn’t. Is there just a boardroom somewhere that houses these idiots? Is there a bad reboot idea incubator I don’t know about? Where the hell is the Carmen San Diego movie? It’s just a matter of time.

If you’re wondering – I don’t really have a point, aside from these movies being terrible, but that doesn’t matter because this entire article was written as a waste of time and an act of subterfuge for HefferBrew to steal your car.

See, it’s gone. Just like the excitement you had for these movies, and your soul.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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